i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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