I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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