I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
