i would punch a child for taco bell
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
