Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize