Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize