Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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