I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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