So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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