I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
