i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
