just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
