Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
