I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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