I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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