birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
