Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
