I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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