Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
