if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
