he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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