This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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