so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
