Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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