My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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