So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
