Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
