I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize