The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
