I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
