90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize