I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
