I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
