My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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