Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
