I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
