He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
