the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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