got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
