I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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