The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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