I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize