That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
