there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
