So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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