You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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