Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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