think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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