2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
