I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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