totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
