Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
