I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize