hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
