i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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