The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she peed on how many people?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
