We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
