either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
