FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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