I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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