my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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