Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
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